'Crash & burn'
Type > Original fiction
Length > Short
Notes > n/a
It’s not so much that she wants to as that she must. It compels her, keeps pulling her back no matter how feebly she tries to resist. It’s futile, she knows. She will give in time and time again. Crash, and fall.
She sees the pain in the eyes surrounding her, knows how she hurts them. She cares, but not really. She wants this, or does she? After all, she keeps going back, and going further. She must want it. Or must she?
There comes a point of no more hiding, of being so invisible it’s visible to the world. Of trying too hard at normalcy, and uncovering herself as a fraud. A fake, a phony, everything she tries to purge herself of. There comes a point of all that you threw out the window being discovered in the backyard.
Deception only goes so far. It’s only so long that you can fool yourself before you have to face the truth in all its ugly glory. And all will watch with you and know. You can deny forever, but there’s no denying they know. She dreads that moment. She knows she’s far past it. They’ve seen. She tried to fit the mask but it proved too small. She tried harder but it shrank with her. She will never be tiny enough to fit their reality, their big world.
Want and must blend together, become one terrible entity that is frightful and holy. A focal point all revolves around, trembling in awe and fright. She knows nobody knows. They see in one dimension, but she in many shades. The centre is here; the centre is this.
They see her crash and burn, but she – she knows the glory of the fall. The breaking of bones, like snapping of twigs. The weightlessness, the airy feeling as she floats in the big empty. She knows what it’s like to be without substance, so hollow and brittle and strong. She knows the exhilaration, the rush, the constant drive and strive. They only see the strife. They see the loss but she the gain. Only ever the gain.